Maria Bamford: “As someone who hasn’t had long-term romantic success, I always feel insecure around people who are confident in their relationships.”

“When I met him, I just ‘knew.’ And we’ve been best friends ever since.”

“Really? That’s awesome. So you never really fight about anything?”

“Hmmmm…..Oh! He doesn’t like onions!”

Oh, right … so … you’ve never had any ‘issues’ you had to ‘work through’ with like, a ‘workbook’?”

“If I were you, I’d watch out for red flags.”

“But what if I’m, like, a flag factory that only manufactures red flags?”

“Maybe you need to be The One before you can meet ‘The One.’”

“Oh. Where’d you get that from — is that from Socrates? Bob Dylan? Herbal tea bag?”

Maria Bamford performs at Comedy Meltdown with Matt Braunger, Boris Hamilton, Sean Conroy, Ron Lynch and host Ed Salazar.