by: Stacey Levin

(WARNING! SPOILERS BELOW!)

Where is Tron?  And before you look at me like I’m from another planet, I know “Tron: Legacy” is in the theaters.  Actually, I saw it and… Yawn (oh, I’m sorry, yawningmid-sentence is rude.)  Well, what I should say is that I saw whatever parts of it I managed to stay awake through.   Wow, what a snooze fest.  And it also leads me back to my original question – where is Tron?  Considering the movie is named after him, he was barely in the flick I saw.  In fact, if you’re new to the franchise, you might even be asking “who is Tron?”  That’s not a good sign, folks.

Jason and I don’t cover movies often in this column, but Tron is one of those magical properties from our youth that most comic book readers loved and cherished.  And like any good geek, we were beyond excited to see “Legacy.”  Have you guys seen it yet?  ‘Cause I have questions, people.

Here’s the rub: “Tron: Legacy” is a flashy, visually cool film with no story.  Well, most of the visuals were cool.  I mean, who doesn’t like to look at the pretty neon suits and flying disks?  But, of course.  And sure, the light cycles still look fun to ride.  But all of the hype about “Clu” and how they aged Jeff Bridges backwards?  Um, he looked like a character straight out of “Final Fantasy.”  Not impressed.

Now let’s discuss the story… or lack thereof.  Such wasted opportunities at almost every act break.  “Tron: Legacy” has one beat that repeats over and over again.  We get it, Sam wants to get his father home.  Is there anything else to it?  Uh, nope.  That’s it.  Gotta get him home.  And logic?  Right out the cyber window.  From the biggest points like:  How did Clu turn into a Hitler-like dictator from a program that was originally designed to be utopian?  Ok, the program wasn’t perfect because its creator Kevin Flynn (old Jeff Bridges) wasn’t perfect, but he wasn’t inherently evil.  Where did Clu’s evil Caeser-like reign come from?  Here’s another one:  What the hell happened to Tron all this time?  How about this:  how the heck would Quorra be able to manifest herself in the real world and live like a human?  Seriously?

But maybe I’m thinking too hard about this, right?  Let’s take a look at some smaller points instead.  What do Programs do all day aside from trying to score tickets to the gladiator games being held in the giant glass Rubik’s cube?  Do they have apartments?  Jobs?  What was Kevin surviving on all of these years?   Where did that huge dinner he served Sam come from?  Wait a minute, while we’re on the topic of ingesting – why do Programs drink or eat at all?  Aren’t they cyber beings living in a cyber world??   And quite possibly the biggest conundrum of them all: Clu designs a world he believes to be Utopia, but it doesn’t have anything comforting or nice about it at all, and the one thing he does create is a dance club complete with electronica music?  All of that time and energy spent on making a perfect world and he re-created the same stupid club scene we have here on earth?  I don’t know about you guys, but in my version of Utopia, maybe there’s a lounge or two, but definitely no clubs.

All of these questions and more can be found in “Tron: Legacy.”  Instead of the writers taking this amazing opportunity to write a layered and emotional story to explain what’s been happening in Cyber Land for the last 25 years, they chose to go the lazy Hollywood route and flash a shiny object at us so we’ll forget it doesn’t make any sense.

I hate to rain on Disney’s Christmas parade (and believe me, I’m the hugest Disney fan there is), but “Tron: Legacy” was a total disappointment.  You know what?  The more I think about it, this movie sucked.  Final analysis:  fatal error.

Peace, love and all that jazz.

Follow me on twitter: @TVStaceyLevin